Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Driving Rules in Malaysia

These are the rules that all the driver must keep in mind. This might be useful for those who always need to drive around. (only applicable in Malaysia)

Rules 1: There are no rules.

Rule 2: Except for the golden rule which is: Cars with blue light on top, get priority.

Rule 3: Instead of seat belts, wear a feng shui amulet, which offer better protection.

Rule 4: If you are driving a truck, paint “No Kiss” or “Horn Please” on the back.

Rule 5: Might is right.

Rule 6: Instead of driving in a manner that ensures you arrive at your destination alive, set up a small shrine (Jesus, Kuan Yin, Buddha, the Virgin Mary, or all four). This ensures the worst thing that can happen to you is that you get to heaven faster.

Rule 7: You should only overtake on the right. Or the left. Or over. Or under.

Rule 8: Multi-tasking while driving is compulsory. Beginners may wish to drive, smoke and talk on a mobile phone, while advanced drivers should do all three plus enjoy a three-course meal, drink a bottle of Carlsberg, sing a karaoke song and watch television.

Rule 9: Signaling before you turn is considered bad form. Surprises are more fun.

Rule 10: When driving at night, headlights should be kept at full beam to blind oncoming drivers, or switched off (see reference to “surprises” in Rule 9).

Rule 11: Look at the traffic light at the next junction rather than the one you are approaching.

Rule 12: If your passenger is the one you love, your hand should be on the passenger's lap.

Rule 13: You’d be surprised how many vehicles can fit abreast on a two-lane highway.

Rule 14: If the road is blocked, the hard shoulder may be used as a road.

Rule 15: If the road and the hard shoulder are blocked, the pavement may be used as a road.

Rule 16: Do not run over pedestrians, cyclists or motor-riders, unless necessary.

Rule 17: But remember, there are no rules.

Rule 18: Except the one about the blue light.

Lol, hope you all will enjoy this.

Laughing My Ass Off ( lmao )

Here’s a piece of globalized humour, both Eastern and Western:

Barack Obama goes to China to see how the Olympic preparations are coming along. “How come you guys win all the medals?” he asks.

The Chinese coach replies: “We train all our sports people using Asian philosophy. I’ll show you.”

Basketball player Yao Ming is passing by. The Chinese coach asks him: “He is not your brother, but he is your father’s son. Who is he?”

Yao Ming thinks for a few seconds. “It is me.”

“Interesting, thanks,” says Obama. He goes back to America and visits footballer David Beckham, who now lives in Los Angeles. “David, here’s a riddle. He is not your brother but he is your father’s son. Who is he?”

“Wot? I dunno,” says Beckham.

“It’s Asian philosophical training. Think about it,” says Obama.

Beckham goes to consult Tiger Woods, a sportsman with Asian blood. “He is not your brother but he is your father’s son. Who is he?”

Tiger Woods thinks about it. “I know. It’s me.”

David Beckham goes back to see Obama. “I know the answer to the riddle.”

“What is it?” Obama asks.

“It’s Tiger Woods,” says Beckham.
“No, you idiot,” says Obama. “It’s Yao Ming.”

Before Married vs After Married

Recently (means 13 Mar 2009), I was at my friend's house to celebrate his birthday. There's one part when we chat about his life of having his son, and he told us the feeling of being a "Daddy". The worries he had for his baby, which is much more than anything. After the conversation, I tried evaluate and analyse things that my friend said and come out with this Before Married vs After Married.

Before Family: You only sleep once in a night.
After Family: You are able to sleep 4 times in a night.

Before Family: Excitement means having a trophy in your hand.
After Family: Excitement is when you manage to persuade your baby to say "baba".

Before Family: The ideal wardrobe is a range of elegant outfits from Nike, Camel, FCUK and Esprit.
After Family: The ideal wardrobe is a range of factory outlet rejects that you can throw away after they acquire too many baby vomit stains.

Before Family: Shopping list would be newly release DVD movie, Pringles, clothes, car accessory and marlboro light.
After Family: Shopping list would be milk, diaper, and milk, diaper and milk, diaper...............

Before Family: You thought you needed space, time and peace to work.
After Family: You discover you can type perfectly well with one child on your lap, another wrapped around your leg, and the third watching Barney videos at full volume one and a half metres away.

Before Family: You thought the finest furniture was Philippe Starke designs in leather.
After Family: You know the finest furniture is a big ugly sofa that can absorb orange juice, urine and milk, and as a scratching board.

Before Family: You thought your dream car would be a Audi Coupe convertible.
After Family: You realize your dream car is a second-hand Toyota Avanza with washable seats.

Before Family: Cinematic entertainment is action movie.
After Family: Cinematic entertainment is The Lion King, which actually moves you to tears.

Before family: You thought the soundtrack of your life would be R&B song's
After Family: You realize that the soundtrack of your life is "Old MacDonald had a dog" 20 times a day.

When you consider all the changes to your lifestyle, it’s hard to avoid thinking that acquiring a family is seriously bad news. But the interesting thing is that people who’ve been through this, you won't be able to hear saying they regret to have their baby. Because everyday after a stressed work day, a baby smile would be the best stress reliever.

Memo To GOD

Dear Sir or Madam,

I'm writing to apply for a position. I realise you have not advertise any vacancies in the area which I'm interested, but i thought I would write in anticipation of a post becoming available.
The job I wanted to apply for is "Child".

I realise that I am a little bit past the requirement (age) for this position, but I believe I can be re-trained.

In my teen years, I believed I was born to be one. Not only was I growing taller, but my voice getting deeper, my skin gets hairier and my birthdays greater in number. Drifting into adulthood seemed natural.

After officially being an adult, normally there are only 4 tasks to handle.
Family + College life + Working life + Love life.

For me, and I believe for everyone, Family will always come first. Things that you have to do is to make your family to be proud of you, which is mainly depends on your how well you can convince them that you are a good boy who don't smoke, drink or gamble. Not difficult right? Wait till you mixed with the friends like mine who at least have a beer night once in a week. And Liqour night once in a month. As for smoking, 80% of my friends do smoke. So in order avoid myself to be a second hand smoker victim, I tried to make myself to be the first hand smoker. Hehe. Gamble? Well, this year (2009) we gambled the most, we even gamble in a cafe without worrying being catch by police. OPSSS!!!! I have done all these bad things, I failed to become a good family member, which eventually I failed my first task, Family Task.

College Life, many people would think that it is the most enjoyable task in life. Well, for me, Ya. Just a small part of it. The best time in College life is to look for pretty girls. And this is the only thing that I enjoy. Hehe. As for my results, I had failed a couple of papers, but somehow I'm manage to get my Diploma Cert without having to stay back. Unfortunately, during my studies for my Advanced Diploma, I failed twice for the same paper, which causes me to miss the fun in UK with my classmate. For not being able to complete my studies (to Degree), I failed my Study Life Task as well.

Working Life. There's only 1 word to describe it, SIENZZZ!!!!! Having to wake up every morning at 9am and do all the same old things from 9.30am till 7pm from Monday till Friday. Worse is that the whole department, I'm the youngest employee. They treated me like a kid and even call me "small boy" which I hated so much. So I decided not to be called "small boy" again, I quit the job. And again I failed my third task.

Love life, and it is the most interesting one. Hm..... Where should I start? Well, just cut it short, the person that I love most is not my Girl Friend yet. So I failed my Love Life task too.

After being failed all the 4 tasks, Family + College life + Working life + Love life = STRESS!!!!!!!!!!! And stress are not suppose to be in my ADULT job scope. So now, I'm feeling unfair to be in this position, so I am now resigning from adulthood with immediate effect. Please find enclosed my UPSR, PMR, SPM, Diploma and Advanced Diploma cert, my ATM card, driving licence and my Chivas Regal aged 12 years old.

I will no longer pretend to like ghost movies. When asked what is my all-time favourite movie is, I shall admit to it being THE LION KING.

I will no longer buy branded clothes, I should demand from my dad to but me KIKI-LALA clothes.

I will no longer pretend to read books with only words and will shall read books with cartoons.

I will no longer hang out at night drinking beer/liquor, I will go home straight to play my coca-cola and play my "ma sak".

I will no longer eat food being cook by my mother. I will instead have ROTA for dinner.

I hope YOU will consider my application. Even if it need 1 year probation period, I'm willing to try my best to be a "CHILD".

YOUR consideration will me truly appreciated.

Melvin Tan


今天是我第一次写华语BLOG. 因为妹妹答应不笑我的华语我才开这个Blog. 本来想download一个拼音的software, 但是用不到. 我不知道要写什么了. 就停在这里吧! Hehe.